What I Wish I Knew About Being a Military Spouse
I’ve been a military spouse now for 11+ years, but I also lived the life of a Soldier and before that, an Army brat. The military lifestyle was not new to me when I married my career Soldier husband, but the roles of military child, Soldier, and military spouse are very different. Though my military spouse learning curve was probably not as steep as many new military spouses (at least I had the lingo and the acronyms down!), I still had to learn some new things to adapt to my new role.
The role of a military spouse is not an easy one. As a matter of fact, I felt from my experience, that it was harder to be the military spouse left at home, than it was to be the soldier deployed in a combat zone. There are so many details (often conflicting) that the military spouse has to keep track of on the Homefront, not to mention solo-parenting, that it is such an overwhelming task. While deployed, your mission is clear, and you are at work 24/7. Priorities are pretty much set for you, and you don’t have much of an option to get distracted. There is very little distraction. On the Homefront, while wrangling kids and managing details, you are also worried about the welfare of your deployed service member. The unknowns are enough to cause chronic anxiety and the occasional panic attack.
My husband and I have been through months and years of separation, but we’ve also been fortunate enough to experience periods of stabilization only interrupted by the occasional TDY. We have lived a pretty typical military experience over the years, filled with PCSes, new states, new homes, new pets, new babies, new friends, and new adventures. Over these years as a military spouse, I have learned five very important lessons.
1 . You can’t do it alone.
I tried to do this alone for years. I was raised to be independent. I was trained as a self-sufficient Soldier. I know I *can manage* alone well enough, but it is HARD. It is LONELY. It is UNNECESSARY to do it alone. I learned this lesson after I had my daughter while we were stationed in Miami, FL, which is a very small military base with few resources for military families. It is also on the complete opposite side of the country from any of our family. Raising my 
daughter alone was extremely difficult and was what partly sent me in a depressed fog for about two years after her birth. However, I didn’t do anything to change that alone feeling. I didn’t TRY to make friends or TRY to get involved as much as I could’ve. As a result, I was miserable.
When we finally relocated to our next duty station and lived on post, I resolved to not do that to myself again. I immediately began meeting the neighbors and getting involved in the Spouses’ Club so that I could meet people and not feel alone. This alone drastically improved my experience and my outlook on the military lifestyle. I went from being bitter that we were stuck in a place I didn’t want to live, far away from my support system to being content (perhaps, happy), despite the fact that we lived somewhere I didn’t want to live, because I actively built a community that made me feel supported.
2. Ask for help.
Another lesson I had to unlearn was that it is not only OK to ask for help, but it’s actually GOOD to ask for help. Like I mentioned earlier, I was raised to be self-sufficient, self-reliant, and almost prided myself for not needing anyone’s help. Asking for help felt like weakness. It felt shameful even. I learned though, that if I never ask others for help, they may never feel comfortable asking me for help. Though for someone that never asks for help, it is difficult to do it that first time, by starting off the favor-conversation, you are opening yourself up to help others. There are just times when we NEED people to help us. We live extraordinary lives and encounter extraordinary challenges. We understand each other and can help each other better than anyone else.
3. Get involved.
Whether you join a formal group such as Protestant Women of the Chapel, your unit’s Family Readiness Group, or the local Spouses’ Club, or an informal group like a neighborhood Bunco Night or a workout class at the fitness center, getting involved is the best way to meet new people to create that support group that you will need. You don’t have to commit volunteer time or obligate yourself; you just need to get out there and meet people.
4. Let it go.
Amen to Elsa on this lesson. There is so much you cannot control in life and even less that you can control in this military life. Worrying about the things you cannot control such as the next duty station, or your spouse’s deployment schedule does you no good. You can, of course try to influence these outcomes and/or make the best of the situations you are given, but it does no good to waste your energy worrying about things you cannot control. I know, you WILL worry, and you WILL stress, but remind yourself that those trains of thought are serving you no purpose because the outcome is out of your hands anyway. Try to have faith and trust in the process that everything will work out the way it is supposed to.
5. Make a life for yourself.
Because there is very little you can control in this crazy military life, it is important that you carve out a life for yourself, that you enable areas in your life that you CAN control. If having a career is important to you, consider entrepreneurship. You can take your job wherever the military sends you, you don’t have to ask for time off, and you may be able to navigate child care challenges more easily. If your children’s education is important to you, homeschool them. This will provide consistency in their education despite the disruption that comes with moving frequently. Whatever that *thing* is that you need to be you and be as whole as possible, make it a priority and figure out a way to take it wherever the military sends you.
Every day that I am a part of the military spouse community I meet new people that amaze and inspire me. WE are such a diverse, strong, caring, and talented group of people. It is hard to beat what we bring to the table. A colleague and friend of mine, Krystal Eicher (also a fellow military spouse) says, “Military spouses can run the world!” I agree wholeheartedly.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ashley Metesh-McCoy is a veteran of the Army National Guard, an Army spouse, and a former Army brat. She is the mom of precocious five-year-old daughter, two dogs, and two cats. She is also the owner/founder of Kinship Vacations, a full-service travel agency and travel concierge service that helps people plan customized vacations that create new unforgettable memories and deepens connections. Kinship Vacations also offers other military spouses and veterans the opportunity to start a rewarding, fun, and portable travel business through its one-of-a-kind travel advisor training program designed specifically for milspouses. Ashley is also an enthusiastic Sword & Plough brand champion, recommending the bags and accessories to all of her travel clients. For one, she has personally tested the Signature Rucksack in the sands of the Sahara Desert, to the luxurious boutique hotels in Paris. She loves the versatility and durability of Sword & Plough’s products for travel!
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